So there’s a lot going on. The whole point of this is to have a place for me to sort through my head but I hardly even know where to start.
My mom’s sick. I dont even like using the c word – its as though if I talk about it too much it will make it real. Ive got all these big medical words from her last round of tests, what the doctors put on her report that she wont talk about. Im not ready to look them up yet. I need her to be here for at least a few more years. Minimum. I need her here whem Xaviar goes to his first day of kindergarten. I need her here for when his speech progresses and he can tell her a story. I just need her here to be my mom because Ive wasted so much damn time being an idiot over the years.
I should have pushed myself harder. Sooner. I should’ve not let myself be so afraid of messing up & worked on getting custody back sooner. I really think it did help keep my mom younger at first, when they took legal guardianship so I could finish rehab & get my legal problems dealt with. I think I waited too long though – by the time I realized how tired she was getting, I was only just starting to work towards getting myself stable enough to bring my son home.
Just 1 more month and I should be ready. At least to start transitioning him a couple days at a time.
Tomorrow is his first speech therapy since he was diagnosed with Speech Apraxia. Im actually kind of excited to see what direction things will go now. I printed out & started learning new signs in anticipation, and have been working on exaggerating my pronunciation a bit more with Xaviar.
Im gonna work on getting in the habit of wring more regularly as well. I think it’ll help.
sound of silence 