So I read on one of the apraxia blogs I follow (fighting for my voice) a post about how its okay to grieve your child’s speech (or yours) and that really stuck with me. That’s exactly how to explain how I feel about everything sometimes.
Yes, Im grateful that he was diagnosed before school, and since his bday is at the beginning of the year its as though we have an “extra” year before he starts in 2021 at about 5 1/2 years.
Yes, it’s good to have a name, a reason, for his trouble with speaking. Yes, Im thankful it has nothing to do with his comprehension & understanding. And 100% yes it does make the milestones so much more precious and rewarding.
And then I feel guilty for crying, because Im not grateful or thankful enough. I worry about bullying instead of thinking positively … or maybe Im overreacting & just being dramatic. He’s smart, he’ll be fine.
Or, maybe I really do have every right to worry about how he’ll be treated. Maybe that worry will push me to do whatever I can to help him develop a strong sense of self worth & confidence.
Maybe it’s okay to feel a little jealous when watching videos of my friends kids.. To watch the kids his age telling stories & singing nonsense. Or watch the kids younger than him, sometimes as young as 2, singing, trying new words, asking “why why why why” – maybe its ok to let myself cry now and then, because it’s NOT fair.
I have to remember that its ok to feel like this. These are legitimate, honest feelings and lying to myself about how all this affects me wont do anyone any good in the long run. BUT that doesnt mean I should hang on to them.
Never stop looking forward. Never stop learning, growing. Never stop being a solid support for my son. Never forget that as bad as I may feel sometimes, this is his life.
Never let this become about me.
sound of silence 